How you might be your own worst enemy (and how to stop)
Are you standing in your own way without even realising it?
Let’s uncover the hidden habits of self-sabotage and take your personal growth to the next level! Self-sabotage is a behaviour, often unconscious but sometimes intentional, where a person acts against their own best interests or goals. It can manifest in various ways, such as procrastination, lack of discipline, self-destructive habits, or undervaluing oneself. The roots of self-sabotage are usually tied to limiting beliefs, fears, or low self-esteem.
Common examples include:
Procrastination: delaying important tasks or projects even when it is clear this will lead to problems.
Excessive self-criticism: being overly harsh with oneself, which can paralyse or discourage action.
Limiting beliefs: deep-seated beliefs that one is unworthy or incapable can lead to actions that undermine personal success.
Choosing failure: unconsciously adopting behaviours that lead to failure, due to fear of success or a desire to stay in a comfort zone.
Avoiding opportunities: turning down or ignoring opportunities that could improve one’s situation, out of fear of the unknown or change.
Self-sabotage often serves as a defence mechanism against emotions like the fear of failure, rejection, or even success. It can also be linked to learned patterns from childhood, especially in cases of complicated family dynamics. While we often focus on self-sabotaging behaviours, it is also possible to have self-sabotaging mindsets and patterns. Gaining awareness of what drives self-sabotage is essential to breaking these cycles.
WHAT CAUSES SELF-SABOTAGE?
People hinder their progress for various reasons, sometimes consciously or unconsciously engaging in self-sabotage. The causes can stem from childhood experiences, past relationships, low self-esteem, difficulty coping, or cognitive dissonance. Often, self-sabotage acts as a coping mechanism to manage stress or past trauma. Unfortunately, it usually worsens the situation and restricts a person’s ability to move forward in a healthy, successful manner.
1. Conscious and unconscious self-sabotage
People who self-sabotage might be fully aware of their actions. For instance, someone trying to lose weight might intentionally derail their progress by eating an entire carton of ice cream. Alternatively, they might act unconsciously. Take someone who misses a work deadline: it may seem like they were just behind schedule, but in reality, they are afraid of failure. By missing the deadline, they sabotage their own goal of advancing in the company.
2. Difficult childhood
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can play a significant role in self-sabotaging behaviours. Without a secure attachment style, one may develop an ambivalent or avoidant attachment style. Our early interactions with caregivers shape how we relate to others. If your parents often told you that you would not amount to much, you might unconsciously limit yourself to fulfil that expectation and end up falling short.
3. Challenges in relationships
If your ex consistently belittled you, you might still feel vulnerable. Perhaps they claimed that they were wasting their time trying to build a future with someone like you. Now that you are in a wonderful relationship, you may find yourself cheating on your partner or ending the relationship without explanation. This could stem from feelings of inadequacy or a fear of getting hurt again.
In a study on self-sabotage, 15 psychologists specialising in romantic relationships in Australia pinpointed the primary factors contributing to self-sabotage in these relationships. The identified reasons included:
Insecure attachment styles
Low self-esteem
Fear of getting hurt
Fear of commitment
Unhealthy beliefs about relationships
Coping difficulties related to emotional matters
4. Low self-esteem
Individuals with a negative self-image and low self-esteem are particularly susceptible to self-sabotage. They often act in ways that reinforce their negative beliefs about themselves. When they are on the verge of success, they may feel uncomfortable, having been told throughout their lives that they will fail - or having convinced themselves of this. Engaging in self-sabotaging behaviours helps to ensure that this belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
5. Cognitive dissonance
Individuals exhibiting this behaviour often grapple with cognitive dissonance, which is the mental discomfort that arises from holding two conflicting beliefs simultaneously. People generally prefer consistency between their beliefs and actions.
For instance, imagine that you are marrying someone wonderful, but you come from a dysfunctional family. Your father left, and your mother jumped from one abusive relationship to another. As a result, you struggle to believe in the possibility of a stable, loving marriage, even as you continue to plan the wedding and send out invitations.
In a work-related scenario, you might be on the verge of landing a significant client and earning more money than ever before. However, instead of taking the necessary steps to move forward, you hold back because you feel unworthy. Consequently, you might get drunk the night before the client meeting and miss it entirely. Rather than progressing, you end up taking actions that sabotage your success.
Self-sabotage is also recognised as a biological response. When we set goals, we receive a boost of dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter. However, as the time to accomplish these goals approaches, the fear of failure can trigger avoidant behaviour. To evade this perceived “threat,” we may subconsciously begin to pull away from our goals. This phenomenon is known as the approach-avoidance conflict.
IDENTIFYING SELF-SABOTAGE
One of the most important steps in recognising self-sabotaging behaviour is to cultivate self-awareness. Introspection is crucial for identifying unhelpful behavioural patterns and enhancing your ability to halt them before they escalate.
A practical way to start pinpointing forms of self-sabotage is to frame your situation using the following structure: “I want to achieve (goal), but I keep doing (behaviour).” For instance, you might say: “I want to get a passport, but I keep missing the appointment.” Now that I have identified the behaviour and how I keep obstructing it, I can begin to explore other areas where this behaviour might manifest. For instance, I might recognise that I frequently miss doctor’s appointments or that I never add passport appointments to my calendar.
Once you start asking yourself these questions, you will begin to notice your patterns, which may appear in multiple areas of your life.
Mental health practitioners have identified several common ways in which people self-sabotage:
1. Procrastination
Individuals who self-sabotage frequently engage in procrastination, a behaviour which serves as a way to demonstrate to others that they are never quite ready and to delay a positive outcome. It often stems from a fear of disappointing others, failing, or even succeeding.
While everyone occasionally procrastinates, especially with projects they do not want to tackle, putting off responsibilities can indicate a lack of self-confidence. When you procrastinate, you hinder yourself from having the time and resources necessary to produce your best work.
Procrastination often goes hand in hand with perfectionism: perfectionists may hesitate to start a project if they feel they cannot execute it flawlessly.
2. Perfectionism
Holding oneself to an unattainable standard, and being overly harsh on oneself can paralyse action, leading to delays and setbacks. Although it may seem like a positive approach to aim for flawless execution, perfectionism actually hinders success. When things inevitably go wrong, perfectionists often become overwhelmed and feel ashamed. This mindset can lead to depression, as they may believe they are letting everyone down. While striving for perfection might appear admirable, it frequently obstructs effectiveness.
Perfectionists often struggle to initiate projects, and even when they do start, their obsession with details can prevent them from completing them. They also tend to engage in all-or-nothing thinking, being particularly hard on themselves and often talking themselves out of potential opportunities before they even begin.
3. Lack of communication
You know you need help on a project, but you hesitate to reach out. You are running late, yet you choose not to send a text. Communication is a crucial aspect of our lives, both personally and professionally. When we resist reaching out, it is often rooted in self-criticism; we fear that asking for help will expose our perceived failures. Unfortunately, this lack of communication can harm our relationships. Even more troubling, it can cultivate feelings of impostor syndrome. When no one is aware of your struggles, you may live in constant fear of being “found out.”
4. Choosing failure
Some individuals unconsciously adopt behaviours that lead to failure, often due to a fear of success or a desire to stay within their comfort zone. This might include setting intentionally low goals or avoiding challenges that could lead to advancement or improvement.
5. Avoiding opportunities
Turning down or ignoring opportunities that could enhance one’s situation is another form of self-sabotage. Fear of the unknown or the potential for change can prevent individuals from stepping outside their comfort zone, even when better prospects are available.
6. Self-medication
Self-sabotaging behaviours can result in chronic struggles with alcohol, drugs, addictions to food or gambling, as well as self-injury. These destructive actions can deplete motivation and increase feelings of anxiety.
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT OF SELF-SABOTAGE
When we remain unaware of our negative thought patterns and their impact on our behaviour, self-sabotage can dominate our daily lives. We may begin to feel hopeless about the future or our ability to achieve our goals. Thoughts of inadequacy can arise, leading us to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with us and that we simply are not capable of success.
As this occurs, these negative behaviours can become deeply ingrained, amplifying our insecurities. Self-sabotaging actions drain our motivation, enthusiasm, and self-esteem. As the evidence of our “failures” accumulates, we start to doubt our worthiness.
This self-doubt perpetuates a cycle. When we are inevitably pushed to step outside our comfort zones, we experience panic. Those uncomfortable feelings and fearful inner voices lead us to act against our own best interests. When these actions result in burning bridges that truly matter to us, it can be profoundly heartbreaking.
HOW TO STOP SELF-SABOTAGING, AND START THRIVING
Learning to recognise and halt self-sabotaging behaviour can significantly help us rebuild our self-image. Here are five effective strategies to stop self-sabotaging:
1. Develop self-awareness
What does self-sabotage look like for you? Do you often wait until the last minute to start projects? Do you find yourself picking fights with others or shying away from challenges?
Begin your exploration with the sentence we framed earlier: “I want to achieve (goal), but I keep doing (behaviour).” Once you identify the goal and the behaviour that is “blocking” it, you can begin to understand what this negative behaviour is truly conveying.
In many instances, self-destructive behaviour is rooted in anxiety. Our anxious tendencies can lead us to avoid taking the necessary steps to reach our goals. In this case, we are not avoiding the goal itself but rather the perceived negative consequences associated with it, including the negative emotions we connect to it.
Does it sound complicated? Let’s revisit our earlier example: “I want to get a passport, but I keep missing the appointment.” Digging a bit deeper can help us uncover what the negative feelings are really trying to communicate. What happens here? “I say I want to get the passport, yet I never put the appointment on my calendar. That’s a good starting point. Why wouldn’t I schedule such an important appointment?” By paying attention to this behaviour, I might notice that whenever I make the appointment, I follow it up with a counterproductive action. Listening to my inner voice, I hear thoughts like, “There’s no point in getting a passport; you’ll never get time off to go anywhere. Besides, it’s too expensive.”
This is just one example. However, if we take a moment to slow down the cycle, we often uncover a subtle thought that arises between making progress and taking unproductive action. In this instance, it is my fear of not having the money or time to travel. Instead of confronting that fear directly, I simply avoid getting the passport.
2. Write it down
If you are struggling to identify your patterns, consider starting a journal. As you write about your goals, you may begin to notice recurring complaints or thoughts. Sometimes, self-sabotaging behaviour stems from past or childhood trauma. We might develop survival strategies to protect ourselves from further harm. Unfortunately, when these strategies become outdated, they can be challenging to break. Working with a therapist can assist you in addressing and resolving the underlying emotional pain associated with these behaviours.
3. Create a plan, and follow through
Once you identify the behaviour patterns you want to change, create a plan for addressing them. For instance, if you notice that your self-sabotaging thoughts arise just before you put an appointment on your calendar, make the decision to schedule it anyway. You could establish a personal rule: “All of my appointments go on my schedule, no matter what.”
By setting this personal rule, you harness the power of habit, which increases the likelihood that you will actually attend the appointment. Additionally, this approach allows you to uncover any other emotional barriers that may be in your way. Taking action is a crucial step, as procrastination often serves as a cornerstone of self-defeating behaviours. Once you start taking action, you begin to build momentum toward your goals, which helps reduce fear and (re)build your sense of self-worth.
If you need assistance in getting started, talking to a Coach or mentor can provide the accountability and support you need. They can help you stay energised as you make small changes. Perfectionists often struggle with the idea of incremental progress, but it is one of the most effective ways to create lasting change.
4. Practice mindfulness
Self-defeating behaviour patterns can be challenging and painful to break. These behaviours may serve as coping mechanisms to help you manage past traumas or may have held you back from achieving meaningful goals. As you begin to unpack these patterns, you might start to recognise their impact on your professional, personal, and romantic relationships.
It is essential to learn how to sit with these difficult feelings and to be gentle with yourself as they arise. Practicing mindful breathing and meditation can be incredibly beneficial. Not only do these practices help cultivate self-compassion, but they can also accelerate the process of breaking down these patterns. Breath-work enhances your ability to stay present, allowing you to notice when your inner critic begins to speak up.
5. Communicate
The final step can be both the simplest and the scariest. People who self-sabotage often go to great lengths to avoid drawing attention to their insecurities. Sharing your fears may feel like jumping out of the pan and into the fire.
However, communicating, even if it is just a small part of your mental health journey, can offer numerous benefits. For one, voicing a fear often makes it feel less daunting. Additionally, sharing your goals helps foster accountability and support.
6. Work with a Coach
You can further support your growth by working with a Coach, who can provide guidance and encouragement and navigate you in this journey, through your subconscious mind. Absolutely! Let’s dive deeper into the importance of working with a Coach, especially when it comes to overcoming self-sabotage and fostering personal growth:
WHY WORKING WITH A COACH CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING
You have probably heard it before: “You can’t see the picture when you’re in the frame.” That is exactly why partnering with a Coach can be the game-changer you need on your journey of self-improvement. Whether you are trying to overcome self-sabotage or simply unlock your potential, having someone who can offer guidance, support, and accountability is invaluable.
A Coach does not just tell you what to do. They help you see the patterns and beliefs that are holding you back, often patterns you might not even realise exist. Here is why it could be the best decision you make for yourself:
1. Breaking through toxic belief systems
Many of the habits that contribute to self-sabotage stem from deep-rooted toxic belief systems. These are often beliefs that formed in childhood or through difficult life experiences. You might think, “I’m not good enough.” “I’ll never succeed,” or “I don’t deserve this.” These beliefs, although often unspoken, influence your decisions and behaviours more than you realise.
A Coach will help you identify these toxic patterns and, more importantly, work with you to dismantle them. They provide a safe space to talk about your past experiences, question those old belief systems, and replace them with healthier, more empowering perspectives.
2. Healing traumas or building better coping mechanisms
Many of us have unresolved traumas or emotional wounds that continue to affect our lives, often without us even being aware of them. Whether it is a difficult childhood, failed relationships, or personal failures, these experiences can leave emotional scars that lead to self-sabotaging behaviour.
A Coach can help you acknowledge and heal those traumas, guiding you through the process of building better coping mechanisms. Instead of numbing or avoiding your emotions, you will learn how to address them in healthy ways. This process is critical for breaking the cycle of self-sabotage and moving forward in a more positive, productive way.
3. Accessing the subconscious mind for deep insights
Here is the thing: many of the beliefs and behaviours that drive self-sabotage are buried deep in your subconscious mind. They do not live in the conscious thoughts you have every day, but they show up in your actions, reactions, and decisions. It is like trying to drive a car with the brakes on: no matter how hard you press the gas, something is holding you back.
A Coach helps you access your subconscious mind, where these limiting beliefs and unresolved issues live. Through coaching techniques like guided reflection, mindfulness, or even visualisation, they help you uncover what is really going on beneath the surface. This inner research is about finding the root cause, not just treating the symptoms. It is about digging deep to understand why you behave the way you do and, more importantly, how to change it.
4. Guidance and accountability
Making real, lasting change is hard, there is no getting around that. It is easy to start strong, but when you hit a bump in the road, it can be tempting to revert back to old habits.
That is where a Coach steps in: they not only offer encouragement and support, but they also hold you accountable. When you work with a Coach, you are not alone in your journey. They are there to remind you of your goals, keep you focused, and nudge you forward, even when it feels tough. With someone in your corner, setbacks are just part of the process, not the end of the road.
5. Creating a clear, achievable path forward
When you are stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage or simply unsure how to reach your potential, it can feel overwhelming. A Coach helps you break down your goals into actionable steps. They will work with you to clarify what success looks like for you personally and professionally and then create a roadmap to get there.
More importantly, they help you set realistic, achievable goals that motivate you to keep going, even when things get tough. They make sure that you are not just setting goals that sound good on paper but creating a plan that genuinely fits your life, needs, and desires.
THE BOTTOM LINE: A COACH CAN BE YOUR BEST INVESTMENT
We all have blind spot, those areas in our lives where we keep making the same mistakes or falling into the same patterns. But with the help of a Coach, you can get a fresh perspective and uncover what is really holding you back. They will help you navigate through your inner world and give you the tools to break free from self-sabotage, heal old wounds, and step confidently into the future you deserve.
Think of it like this:
If you wanted to master a skill, you would get a teacher. If you wanted to excel in a sport, you would hire a trainer. So, if you are looking to master your personal growth and create lasting change, working with a Coach is one of the best investments you can make in yourself.
Conclusion:
Working with a Coach helps address toxic belief systems, unresolved trauma, and coping mechanisms that you may not even realise are affecting your life. You gain access to your subconscious mind to do the inner work, getting to the root causes rather than just scratching the surface of your issues. Whether it is overcoming self-sabotage, healing from past traumas, or breaking free from limiting beliefs, a Coach is there to guide you through the process with clarity, support, and motivation.
SELF-SABOTAGING AT WORK
Self-sabotaging behaviour at work can manifest in various ways, such as procrastination, workplace conflicts, or underperformance. It might not be the workload, your boss, or even your team holding you back... it might be you!
Let’s explore how self-sabotage shows up in the workplace, why we do it, and how to stop getting in your own way.
What does self-sabotage at work look like? You might think, “I’m here to succeed, so why would I sabotage myself?” But it is more common than you think, and it is rarely as dramatic as you imagine. Here are a few common ways we undercut our own success:
1. Procrastination
You have a big project due, but instead of jumping in, you are reorganising your desk for the third time or falling down an Instagram rabbit hole. Sure, it feels productive at the moment, but all you are doing is delaying the inevitable.
2. Perfectionism
This one is sneaky. You spend hours perfecting every last detail of a report or presentation, only to miss the deadline entirely. Perfection is the enemy of done, and sometimes we use it as an excuse to avoid finishing things at all.
3. Fear of success or failure
Both success and failure can be terrifying. You might worry that if you succeed, the pressure will only get higher. Or you are afraid of failing and looking bad. So, what do you do? You hold back, intentionally or not.
4. Not speaking up
You have a great idea during a meeting, but instead of sharing it, you stay quiet, fearing rejection or judgment. Later, someone else suggests something similar, and judge yourself for not being braver.
5. Overcommitting
You take on too many tasks, thinking, “I can handle this!” - until you cannot. Then you are buried in work and feeling overwhelmed, and nothing gets done well.
HOW TO STOP SELF-SABOTAGING AT WORK
Let’s talk about how to break free from the cycle and get back to crushing it at work.
1. Recognise the patterns, develop self-awareness
The first step to overcoming self-sabotage is awareness. Pay attention to your habits. Are you procrastinating? Do you hold yourself back from speaking up? Understanding your self-sabotaging behaviours is half the battle.
2. Set realistic goals
Instead of aiming for perfection or biting off more than you can chew, set achievable, fun goals that you can chip away at step by step. Celebrate your progress along the way, and do not beat yourself up if things are not perfect. Remember: progress, not perfection.
3. Reframe your fear
Fear of success or failure is natural, but it does not have to hold you back. Instead of seeing fear as a stop sign, view it as a sign that you are on the verge of something great. Growth happens outside your comfort zone: embrace it!
4. Embrace imperfection
Let’s be real: no one is perfect. And you do not have to be either. Rather than aiming for flawless results, focus on getting things done. Done is always better than perfect. Plus, you will learn more from doing than from overthinking.
5. Delegate: you do not have to do everything yourself
Learning to delegate not only lightens your load but also helps others grow. It is a win-win. Share the load, and watch how much easier life gets.
6. Get feedback
Sometimes, we are our own worst critics. Seek feedback from colleagues or mentors to get a more objective view of your work and progress. Often, they will remind you that you are doing much better than you think.
7. Practice mindfulness
Self-defeating behaviour patterns can be challenging and painful to break. These behaviours may serve as coping mechanisms to help you manage past traumas or may have held you back from achieving meaningful goals. As you begin to unpack these patterns, you might start to recognise their impact on your professional, personal, and romantic relationships. It is essential to learn how to sit with these difficult feelings and to be gentle with yourself as they arise. Practicing mindful breathing and meditation can be incredibly beneficial. Breath-work enhances your ability to stay present, allowing you to notice when your inner critic begins to speak up.
8. Work with a Coach (see above)
You can further support your growth by working with a Coach, who can provide guidance and encouragement and navigate you in this journey through your subconscious mind.
SELF-SABOTAGE IS SNEAKY, BUT IT IS NOT UNBEATABLE
By understanding the roots of these behaviours, whether it s a tough childhood, past relationship baggage, or fear of failure: you can start to make conscious choices that lead to success, not sabotage. So, the next time you catch yourself spiralling into a self-sabotaging behaviour like procrastinating or doubting, take a deep breath, pause and ask yourself: “Is this helping me to reach my goals, or am I holding myself back?”, shake it off, and get back to growing into the amazing, successful person you are meant to be!
YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SUCCEED!
The only person standing in your way is you... but the best part? You are also the one who can choose to step aside and let yourself shine. So, let’s stop sabotaging and start thriving... you’ve got this!
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